You might think that he hasn’t done anything mean to me so I’m an asshole for writing a list like this, but this is for all of his horrible TV commercials that really pissed me off when I was watching Friday Night Standup last night.

7. His real name is Ned Arnel Holness. Well, actually his birth certificate says “Ned Arnel Mencia” but that’s only because his real dad didn’t love him enough…or possibly too much. I actually don’t really know or care what the deal is but the point is that his name certainly isn’t Carlos. The other point is that anybody with that much confusion about their name must be running from or hiding something…or just plain stupid. I would say all of the above are true in this case.

6. He’s not Mexican. Okay, his mother is Mexican, but his father is Honduran and you never hear him talk about that. In fact, he was born and lived in Honduras as a child, not Mexico. And now he lives in Los Angeles. Apparently at some point between Honduras and the United States, he stopped to take a piss in Mexico and decided that, from then on, he would convince everybody that he was Mexican through and through.

5. He steals jokes. Bouncing ideas off each other and learning from the experiences of others are good techniques in any career, but that’s not what this guy does. He just steals jokes from actual comedians like George Lopez, Bobby Lee, and even Bill Cosby. Props to Joe Rogan for confronting him about it.

4. His “in your face” style fails miserably (in all aspects). He does his best (which is sad in and of itself, by the way) to attack issues like racism and politics with a scathing attitude, but his points are about as strong as Comedy Central’s programming was after SNL and Chapelle’s Show left but before Futurama came. You want “in your face” comedy? Walk around the slums at 2am on a Wednesday night with a five dollar bill taped to a string dragging it 10 feet behind you. As you notice the bums and crackheads scurry after it, you’ll be laughing far more than this so-called “comedian” ever accomplishes with his audiences.

3. He’s not at all intelligent. This relates to his failing at the “in your face” style of comedy; you can’t cleverly comment on issues in the real world if you can’t even understand them in the first place. This results in his “jokes” either being not funny (as is usually the case) or reminding me of 3rd grade with their remedial logic and poor delivery. Mexicans are cheap labor and often work landscaping jobs? Bahahaha, I remember when Billy told me a joke about that on the bus after school…

2. He’s just not funny, period. He’s like a truck driver that never got a driver’s license. He can’t properly do any impressions and his stories that are supposed to end in an uplifting life lesson are so shitty that even comparing them to those cheesy after-school specials would be too much of a compliment. It’s high time for him to fall back on his electrical engineering degree that he got in college (no wonder he’s not funny).

1. He’s like a female version of Lisa Lampanelli. Enough said.

In case you didn’t already guess, much of the source information for this can be found on Wikipedia. For those of you who claim Wikipedia is not reliable because it’s just put together by a bunch of random computer nerds, that’s why it has a references section at the bottom, you idiot.