Top 6 Reasons This Winter Already Sucks

6. It’s not even winter for another month, but it already feels like we’re weeks into it. Seriously, look at the calendar. December 21st is “the first day of winter” but we’ve been dealing with freezing weather for way too long. It was just a few years ago that it was mid-January and many people were looking around wondering where the snow was. Climate change? Or am I just becoming more sensitive?

5. It will be as cold as last year and will have even more snow. Sure, some scientists disagree with the Farmer’s Almanac and say that this winter wont be as bad, but those scientists are just scared and lying to themselves. This winter is going to be rough, so get prepared. And this time when you’re clutching your family jewels for dear life in the 20 below wind chill, there will be an extra 4 feet of snow all around you.

4. All of these polar vortexes, events, and incursions are not only cold but present yet another weakness in U.S. border security. Those are scary terms for what is essentially cold air, kind of like “illegal immigrant” is a scary term for what is essentially a regular human being on the “wrong” side of a mostly invisible line. With increased focus on the U.S.-Mexico border, people seem to assume that cold air can just come down from the north without asking. I propose we build a border fence, like the one in Texas, except that it will be around 40,000 feet high to block that damned Canadian air. Who’s with me?

Continue reading

Top 5 Crazy Facts about Black Friday

5. The average single male spends as much money on himself as he does on others. My guess is that he typically gets gifts for everybody else and then one new video game console (or maybe tablet) for himself. You’ve got to love yourself too, right? Especially if you’re single…

4. Despite advancing technologies, most people still end up shopping in stores. It turns out it is hard to break a long-standing habit, not only for the individual but also for American consumers as a whole. Apparently we can’t help but bundle up and switch into 4 wheel drive to off-road over to the nearest shopping center to fight through crowds to purchase some overpriced piece of plastic made thousands of miles away. USA, USA!

3. Mobile shopping is not that popular. Mobile browsing, effectively electronic window shopping on the go, is very popular. There appears to be some hesitation for the majority of consumers when it comes to actually purchasing real items (not just apps) through their mobile devices. We’ll see if that changes with new technologies that allow you to pay at brick and mortar stores using just your smart phone.

Continue reading

Top 6 Reasons I Didn’t Vote

6. I’m just one person. The statistics are not in my favor. People will try to turn this and say something like “the whole country is all just made up of individual people”. While this may be true on a certain philosophical level, it doesn’t work out in the math. Just think about it. It’s kind of like saying “we’re all special”, which is not logically possible.

5. I have no money. Power = money. My assets (it sounds funny using that word in reference to myself) are not even a drop in the bucket compared to the massive sums that get juggled around to decide elections. It kind of goes hand in hand with the above reason in that, even if I vote in favor of something and even make a sign and wave it around in support of it at the street corner, one rich person could pay 100 people to do the same thing and vote against it (or whatever way they want).

4. I don’t want to be part of that mess. Although I got all excited and fired up when I turned 18 years old so I registered to vote, I have actually never voted in any government election. Therefore, I can safely say that I have had nothing to do with any of the endless amounts of incompetent asshats that have been leading our country for as long as I’ve been alive. I take no responsibility for it. It’s all your fault, voters. Stop voting these idiots in.

Continue reading

Top 7 Reasons Why Football is the Best Sport

7. It’s physical (the players get jacked up). Sure, basketball players throw elbows and baseball players go for the catcher but nobody gets jacked up like a football punt receiver. Even with serious penalties, you’ll occasionally see quarterbacks or kickers get completely leveled by other players. Also, in totally legal plays and maneuvers, you’ll see players get rocked back to the 17th century…all from the comfort of your own couch. What’s better than that?

6. In general, the players have to go to college. Is anybody else sick of seeing NBA or MLB players who can’t even legally drink to celebrate their wins (or drown their sorrows of their losses)? I don’t know what the exact rules are, but the point is I personally have never seen an NFL player without a college degree to back them up. That being said, do I actually trust their intelligence? Only as far as I can throw them, which would probably be negative yards because I would throw my back out. But the point is that they have actual life experience beyond living with mom and dad and drinking caffeinated soda until they shit their pants.

5. There are enough rules to equalize the field, but not so many that I get confused. Now I’ll be the first to say that a lot of rules and regulations seem to have been added within the last year or two. With the knowledge of how serious head injuries can be and how career-ending injuries can happen so easily, I support a lot of the rules. It’s also hard to be a fan of all of the reviews that just about every play seems to get. Yet, with all this in mind, it’s mighty hard to argue that the game isn’t fair. There are a few referees here and there that don’t seem to have their heads on straight, but the game seems to run pretty well in general. Unlike other professional sports leagues, I actually understand what the hell is going on.

4. The main advertisers are for booze and munchies. I watch MLB and see advertisements to buy office supplies that I’ll never want. I watch NBA and see advertisements to buy shoes that I’ll never fit, afford, or properly use. I watch NFL and I see advertisements for beer, bacon, and bars. Those are things I understand and make (excessive) use of. Am I the only one that feels this way?

Continue reading

Top 6 Best Governments in the World

6. Japan Our friends in the far east enjoy some notable perks, such as long life spans and a strong economy. On top of that, the majority of our favorite high tech gadgets were already released in Japan months before they were in America. The downside? A huge number of Japanese people, men and women, seem to have very little to no interest in dating or sex. Not a very good long term plan, if you ask me.

5. Germany Generally considered to be the powerhouse of Europe, Germany has a long history of unique contributions to art and general culture throughout the world. The strength of its economy is up to debate and appears to depend on your perspective; they produce a lot and work hard yet there also seems to be a lot of debt. The downside? Early indications show that the German government seems to be similar to America in the level of intelligence monitoring around the world and on its own citizens.

4. The Netherlands People often get confused about the differences between The Netherlands, Holland, Amsterdam, and the Dutch. Suffice it to say that they’re all around the same place in the world and overlap quite a bit. The government does a good job of allowing personal rights and liberties for its citizens, as well as a lot of fish, bacon, alcohol, and drugs. The downside? As cool as the culture is, The Netherlands is not the best place for naturally beautiful landscapes. With very limited differences in elevation, don’t expect wonderful vistas of mountain ranges and valleys.

Continue reading

Top 7 Reasons Halloween is the Best Holiday

7. It’s the first holiday celebration since Independence Day. Sure, you probably had a barbecue or picnic on Labor Day, but you haven’t had a good excuse to really party since Independence Day. Columbus Day? What the hell is that? The guy didn’t even really find the new world, just ask the Native Americans. Oktoberfest gets an honorable mention, but that’s not a specific single date like the other holidays.

6. You don’t have to cook (or clean up after) a big meal. Food is good, but whether you’re the cook or the cleaning crew, it tends to be a lot of work. Especially if you’re talking about a big feast like Thanksgiving or Christmas. There are people that celebrate the harvest with some sort of meal, but it usually isn’t to the scale of other holiday dinners.

5. It’s not heavily influenced by religion. If you research the origin and history of Halloween, there are certainly religious aspects. But modern celebrations don’t require attending any services or reciting any prayers. If anything, Halloween is somewhat anti-religious in that it upsets some people of faith for being “evil”. Personally, I find that rather amusing.

Continue reading

Top 6 Live Vocal Performances (+ bonus!)

6. Joe Cocker – With A Little Help From My Friends (1969)

 Youtube link – 2:10 is when he really gets into it

A classic song that if you haven’t heard, you probably don’t have any friends. The story goes that the entire band was on LSD for this performance…except for Joe Cocker (lead singer), who reportedly abstained. But what do you think?

Continue reading

Top 7 Awesome Things About Fall

Well, it’s that time of year, the first day of Fall. Or Autumn. Whichever you call it. What do you like best about it?

7. School is back in session! Kids dread it, college students love it. I don’t mind the school buses driving around or the random field trip destinations. Parents appreciate having the kids out of the house but they also have to go to various events and conferences, so it’s a double-edged sword for them. School shopping either sucks or is fun; it depends on who is paying for it.

6. Enjoying a wider variety of food and drinks. Once again you can eat a warm meal and fully appreciate it during a cold evening. But there are still the warm times when a cool beer is so wonderfully refreshing. Better harvest times bring better produce in the stores and markets, meaning you have more options and they’ll all taste better. Eat and drink up!

5. Football! Need I say more? Even if you’re not a football fan, it must be nice to get rid of your boyfriend/husband/friend/whoever it is for those hours every week. It also gives them plenty to ramble on about as you nod your head and say “yeah” or “you don’t say”. For the fans, the games in Fall are usually more enjoyable to attend than the insanity of the blizzard bowls in the depths of winter.

Continue reading

Top 6 Reasons Why the Government Shutdown is Stupid

6. We’re sick of hearing about it! Even people that like discussing politics are running out of things to say. The news sources don’t bother with quality analysis of the situation because they know we’ll pay attention anyways. It’s hard not to when you keep being told that all you know and love could shut down tomorrow.

5. Despite cutting various social services, nobody has mentioned cutting the ever-increasing salaries of our representatives in Congress. Seriously, they continue to sit back and earn hundreds of thousands of dollars while they decide how much they care about the health of poor people. They should only make as much money as the average income of the people they’re representing. That will give them one hell of a reality check and inspire them to actually improve the lives of the people they’re supposedly working for.

4. The thought that “the end is right around the corner” is not good for our country. It’s like a bad Hollywood horror movie that they keep making sequels for. The world is about to come to an end (again), so sit on the edge of your seats and pay attention! Something tells me that the media corporations in this country are loving all this drama and would be happy as long as it continues. What better way to get consumers and therefore advertising dollars?

Continue reading