Popular Culture, Real Life

Top 6 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get Married

6. Divorce rates have only slipped to a hair’s breadth below 50%. The fact that they dropped to just under half even hit the headlines which is a funny thought on its own. “Hey everybody, we’re still failing rather miserably but now we’re failing slightly less!”

5. The financial costs. Paperwork, ceremony, parties, travel or house guests, and you’re supposed to act like this is the best time of your life and money is no object at all. This is in addition to the all important rings, of course. Our culture doesn’t even hide the fact that women are focused on the size of the diamonds more than almost anything else. If there was some way to invest money in marriages, any financial adviser would look at the data and tell you that you shouldn’t get married.

4. Kids. Sure, kids can be fun. But more specifically, other people’s kids can be fun. If they’re boring, smelly, whiny, or otherwise undesirable, just send them on their way…or back to their parents, if you want to be nice.

3. Extended family. Ah, the only large group of people that you’re not really allowed to hate. A lot of them are probably nice people and may even want the best for you, but those same people can still be damn annoying at times. As for your in-laws, your best case scenario is that they don’t particularly like you. If they really like you, that’s a sign that something fishy is going on and you should probably get the hell out of that situation as soon as possible.

2. Stupidly fun stuff is off-limits now. You hear it all the time: “Before I was married, I used to…” or “Yeah, if I wasn’t married I’d…” Sometimes it has to do with having kids but plenty of activities would upset your spouse if you did them without their permission. Back in the day, getting blackout drunk and running laps on the high school track at 2am only caused you problems with local police (and that was only if they caught you). These days, you would probably prefer to have the cops get you than face your loved one at home.

1. Being tied down (and not in the kinky way). Some people are tied down by their mortgage payments or maybe their pets. A spouse and children, however, are a lot harder to walk away from. Plus they can (and usually do) come after you. This isn’t to say that people often need to drop their entire lives and go out on the run, but it is oddly comforting to know that you have that option.

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