Government, Popular Culture

Top 5 Executive Orders Trump Might Sign

5. Cartoons required on all TV stations every Saturday morning. Crazy? Not really, compared to his recent executive orders that he actually signed in real life. Unlike all of those, this would unquestionably benefit everybody! It would also have the benefit of a nation-wide shared activity; for just a few hours each week, millions of people across the country would be watching stupid but funny cartoons on television.

4. Banning bad drivers. I mean, come on. They suck and they’ve gotta go! As George Carlin once said, anyone going slower than me is an idiot and anyone going faster than me is an asshole. It’s about time the government did something useful about it. How would this actually be executed? I thought we were well past logic and reality at this point…

3. Outlawing China, just in general. It might be a true speech impediment or related to his chauvinistic history, but he can’t help but say “jina” when attempting to speak about China. That alone is enough reason for him to outlaw it. Let alone the fact that they are, as you’re reading this, taking our place at leader of the (formerly known as free) world. Russia is in play as well, but China is a freaking beast…and even Trump knows that. So make it illegal already!

2. Creating a ‘beautiful people’ tax so ugly people have to pay more. The exact name of the legislation would make or break this scheme, but it would still be possible. Given a marketing team with enough experience, skill, and guile, which Trump presumably has easy access to, they could certainly come up with a successful name and associated language. On top of that, despite his own ugliness, he wouldn’t have to worry because he doesn’t pay taxes anyways!

1. Making executive orders into immediate unchangeable laws. Sooner or later, even Donald Trump will realize that executive orders aren’t what he thinks they are. Still, he will attempt to make them into what he thinks they are: immediately effective laws of the land. It’s not even close to legal, but that’s never stopped him before. Donny, you’re a crazy fuck.

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